Dreaming

I got on the computer this morning fully intending to write a post for my student midwifery blog.  I was looking through sites and reading articles to formulate the post when I came across this beautiful little family:

Enchanted Gypsy

And the crazy little nomad that runs my brain started dreaming; dreaming of finding an old bus or van, converting it over to WVO (waste veggie oil), and traveling; dreaming of falling asleep surrounded by redwoods one night and next to the ocean the next night; dreaming of offering women’s health care at festivals and gatherings around the continent out of the back of my little house on wheels.  It’s been my dream since 1996, when I was 19 years old and living on site at Hawkwood Fantasy Faire.  I became pregnant with The Boy at that faire and wanted so badly to just stay ensconced in that beautiful little world inside a world. It felt safe and comfortable; cloistered, but instead of religious vows, vows of freedom and love and autonomy.

It’s idealistic. I know.  There is no part of me that is delusional enough to believe that my dream is idealistic and romantic.  The life I have created is not quite condensable to bus size, i.e there is no way on God’s green earthThe Boy or W would be willing to sell off everything and live in a bus.

But I won’t give up the dream all together.  I will travel at some point.  Most likely it will be after The Boy is gone on his own and it will only be for summer’s, or  a month or two at a time.  Most likely it will just be me and one of the dogs.  But it will be my travels and my adventures and my dream.

Families On The Road

Live Lightly Tour

Happy Janssens

Building Luna

More weight health.

To say that I’ve been a little stressed/depressed/humiliated/obsessed about my recent acceptance of the medical establishments title of “obese” is an understatement.  It seems that all I can think about for the past week is my weight.  I just about had a breakdown just now when I weighed myself with the Wii twice in five minutes and the second weight was .4 pounds heavier.  (I know that using the Wii as a reliable scale is not a good idea in any way.)  It was simply the weight that made me panic.  Literally, absolutely panic. Can’t breath, heart pounding, elephant standing on my chest panic.

On a number of occasions, I have had therapists or doctors suggest that I might have some sort of eating disorder, but I’ve always written it off.  Honestly, who has ever heard of a fat girl with an eating disorder?  I always assumed that bulimia was more about the puking, but with the *very* limited amount of research that I have done in the last half an hour, it seems that the compulsive fasting/dieting that I do is considered bulimic behavior as well.

So, yeah, maybe they’re right.  There is a lot more to this that I’m not talking about here obviously, but I just wanted to actually put it out ther efor the world.  Since I’m  finally coming to terms with the weight and my health, and along with that my relationship with nutrition, food, and exercise, it will only be right for me to start being honest wtih the world about it.

I never realized how much helping out with the photo blog would take up so much of my blogging energy in a day, especially considering that there isn’t much blogging to be done there.  Mostly I just upload pictures and copy/paste descriptions and captions.  But with 35 women, by the time I get it all finished, it’s usually about an hour and a half all told.  So, around the way, I keep running out of steam by the time I get around to this blog.

Today was a big day.  I went in to the doctor to talk a bit about my weight issues over the last few years and possibly get a referral to a nutritionist or maybe some suggestions or a calorie guidelines or something.  I don’t know.  They just always say to talk to a doctor before undertaking any serious decision about your fitness or nutrition.  So, I did.

The appointment went nothing as I expected.  First off, this happened:

THAT is a tetanus shot.  And it is making it very hard for me to do a whole lot with my arm tonight.  OUCH.  The shot itself was relatively painless, but yikes.  Within an hour, my arm was so stiff and tender that lifting it up too high hurts like hell!

The second part is something that is a bit…well it’s hard to swallow.  But I guess it’s time for me to take a good strong dose of reality and then do something about it.

I received a referral to the Minnesota Center for Obesity, Metabolism, and Endocrinology.  My doctor is is fairly well convinced based on my history that there is something going on beyond me just being a fat girl.  Though I’ve tried to say that for a few years, they are just now coming to that conclusion.  So, in a few weeks, I head in and hopefully they’ll be able to start figuring things out.

Happy Monday morning!

Made it around the block of a week once again.

I wish there was something more exciting about my weekend than the four hour nap I took, but there really isn’t.

I’ve been fighting it off, but it’s pretty inevitable now that I’m about to head into a fairly heavy depression.  The symptoms are picking up fairly quickly.  My anxiety level is at a high for the year.  We’ll see what happens.  Luckily, I’ve been working with a therapist and doctor again, so I’ve got the support system in place.

Happy New Year!

I’m not usually one to make New Year resolutions.  I just hate the idea of trying to choose to only make life changing decisions on one day of the year. This year though I have decided to set some goals.  Not resolutions, but specific and trackable goals.  More specifically things that I have some control over.

On to my list:

GOALS FOR 2009!

• Take a class through Minneapolis Community Education.

Hopefully I’ll take more than one class, but one would be enough for me to start.  I’m not sure yet what kind of class I am going to take, but I’ve considered photography, wood working, writing, or something else creative.  The catalog comes out in a few days, so I’ll get to decide then.

• Walk in the Breast Cancer 3-Day

I’ve been intending to walk the 3-Day for about five years now.  I got as far as raising half the money necessary to participate in the walk.  Unfortunately, at that point, my fundraising hit a wall and I wasn’t able to walk.  This year I am determined to do it.

• Pay off one debt

I have no credit cards, but I have student loan debt and, because of my own stupidity last year, I owe the IRS a small amount.  I’m going to work my ass off at getting atleast one of those debts cleared up in the next year.

• Learn to make lefse at Ingebretsen’s

If there were one thing in my life that I could change, it is that I would have learned to make lefse from my grandmother before she got sick. It breaks my heart that I didn’t.  My uncle fell into a crazy period a few years back where he got pissed at the entire family and took anything he thought was of any valuable, financially or emotionally, from the house.  He took grandma’s lefse griddle, potato ricer, rolling pin….the entire lefse set up.  So, I’m going to need to purchase an entire new set, but it will be worth it.  And I’m going to learn to do it with a photo of my grandma at my side the entire time.

• Read one book a week

This one shouldn’t be all that hard.  I do this anyway.  But there are times when I let myself slack off for a week or two.  This year, I want to really make an effort at it.  I’m also going to keep track of the titles.  Don’t expect anything profound.  I generally just read whatever is available to me at that moment, so it could be anything from Clay Aiken’s autobiography to the latest piece of chick lit.

• Knit one item a month

I’ve been knitting for three years now.  And I still SUCK.  I’m getting better, but definitely not at the level of someone who has been knitting this long.  I’m going to start working through atleast one challenging project a month.  You can follow along at the link above, or you can always check me out on Ravelry.

• Bake one item a week

I’ve recently rediscovered my love of cooking and baking.  And with the delivery of my KitchenAid mixer for Christmas, I have a great excuse to do some baking!

• Vacation

There are already plans in the work for a cruise in December of next year.  I’ll actually have to get a passport!  The only time I have ever been out of this country was to go over the border into Mexico near Brownsville, Texas.  We were on a mission with my great-uncle to get his same day dentures made for less then $300.  We were successful, but I definitely don’t want that to be my only opporutnity to leave the country.

• Work my way through my list of things I want to experience in my lovely city of Minneapolis this year

I stole this idea from someone else.  But it was such a great idea, and I’m constantly trying to figure out “something to do”.  Now I have a list.

• Live frugally and simply, Recycle/Reduce/Reuse, coupons, budget

This one is rather self-explanatory.  I’ve been overwhelmed by material stuff in the last few years and I want to really focus on simplifying.

• Renew my commitment to my physical and mental health.

Also self-explanatory.  I’m not going to make any specific goals on this one yet, but they’re coming.

• Collect and collate my recipe collection

I have too many recipes spread all over the place.  Between websites, print outs, cook books, and random recipe cards, I most likley have nearly 100 different dishes floating around.

I think my plan is going to be to try and give a brief monthy blog update on my progress, since holding myself accountable requires constant reflection.  So, you’ll be hearing more about my goals in a few weeks.  Until then:

HAPPY NEW YEAR!  May your 2009 bring everything you need into your world!

So Sunday evening.  W is at work for a couple hours so I’m trying to get a blog post written and a little work done so that when she gets home we can have dinner and watch some trashy television together or something equally domestic.

I received a very cut and dry, scripted email from the customer service folks at Microcenter.  Basically it just reiterated the same thing again.  They were sorry.  They would look into it.  They had spoken with the local manager and would get back to me when they figured out what was going on.  I’m starting to feel as though not much is going to come of the “excellent customer service” that I was so excited to see.  Call me jaded, but we’ll see what happens.

We’re in the hardcore phases of apartment/duplex/house searching.  Friday night we were supposed to view a great little house with a perfect fenced yard, and the damn landlord didn’t show up for our appointment.  Probably for the best as we discovered while standing in the front yard of the house waiting for the idiot landlord that there was a domestic happening in the house on one side and the house on the other side had music playing loud enough that it was shaking the windows.  We wouldn’t have liked the neighbors one bit.  We’re a pretty quite family.

Yesterday was downright disasterous.  I lost my driver’s license.  The Boy™ and I got into a gigantic argument.  And the cherry on top was a letter from my mental health clinic.  I missed an appointment on Monday.  It was my own damn fault and I fully acknowledge that.  But I guess I went over my limit of missed appointments, and now I cannot be seen at the clinic any longer.  I’m devistated about it to say the least.  It drove me into a damn deep and heavy panic yesterday and I struggled through most of the evening with it.  I was in a total panic.   It’s pretty common knowledge that our area, and most other parts of the country from my understanding, are experiencing a shortage of available appointments for services.  There are waiting lists at most clinics.  Some clinics will not even make a medication management appointment for you until you have been seeing a therapist regularly with their clinic for three to six months.  Without medication, I am not well.  I generally end up hospitalized within a couple of weeks of discontinuation.  It is an absolute disaster for me and for my family.  The letter I received had a list of clinics that I could attempt to make appointments with.  I’m going to start the process of making phone calls tomorrow.

Oops.  Slip up number one.  Since I didn’t write last night, I guess I’ll have to write twice today.

My sleep schedule has been incredibly screwy for the last week or so.  So last night when I actually felt sleepy at midnight, I figured it would be best if I just let myself crash instead of staying up to type a blog post.  Daylight savings time is really messing with me.  So, as of tomorrow morning, I’m giving up soda for awhile.  I can’t get myself to give up coffee.  Coffee is one of the few things that I actually look forward to every single day.  It’s a ritual for me and I’m not yet ready to give that up.  But the soda?  Soda can go.  It’s a treat that I take too far.  A little bubbly yumminess that goes from one can to four in two hours flat.  It’s just too easy.  And the caffeine really just does not work well with this chronic insomniacs sleep rhythms.

Lonely Days and Sleepless Nights….

I remember now why I do not take Ambien anymore. If I don’t lie down immediately upon taking it and force myself to keep my eyes closed until I fall asleep, I become a zombie. Not quite literally, because there is no craving for brain matter and my skin stays a nice shade of pink, but I just cannot sleep, but I also cannot think nor function. And to top it all off, I tend to feel very constructive, like I should be doing something!

So here I sit at 1:10 AM playing video games and trying to type my nearly forgotten NaBloPoMo post. (I think this one still counts for today, since I haven’t been to sleep yet!)

Here comes the sun!

Exciting business happened today in our little neck of the woods.

But I think that perhaps a little bit of back story is desperately necessary to fully convey just how thrilling today’s happenings were…. I’ve been meaning to touch base on this subject for some time on my blog, but always manage to come up with some excuse not to.

If you glance up at the right hand corner of my blog, right there under the words “This Woman” you will see the self descriptor of “militant defender and outspoken advocate for mental illness”. I failed to mention in that little mini-bio that not only am I an ally for those who deal with mental illness, but I have spent the last ten years of my life struggling pretty heavily with my own very deep, very personal demons. I have been hospitalized on two separate occasions, as well as participated in a partial hospitalization program and a multiple day treatment programs.

I had to pause here, because I’m feeling a bit scared about writing this.  Judgment has always been a huge fear for me when it comes to my “crazy”, so putting it all out there really drives the anxiety through the roof! But hey, if I want to be an outspoken and militant advocate and defender, then I have to get real about it all. So here’s the skinny, in dot form:

• I’ve been sick for 10 years
• Currently, my primary diagnosis, “severe and recurrent depression” and “generalized anxiety with obsessive compulsive traits” is still causing some difficulties.
• Most of my secondary diagnosis are in remission.
• I have fought long and hard to get to the place I am now.
• There are real emotional and biological reasons that my brain functions the way that it does.
• I follow every recommendation that my doctor and therapist provide, including daily medications and therapies.
• Because of my “illness”, I have been unable to work for over four years and became eligible for and started receiving Social Security Disability two years ago and Medicare as of about three months ago.

That is where the exciting thing comes in. Introducing the item that I am hoping is going to become my best friend through this winter:

That is a Day-Light Bright Light Therapy Unit. There is tons of research out there that shows that a half an hour, or so, of sitting directly in front of a light therapy box each morning as soon as you wake up relieves the symptoms of depression significantly. My psychiatrist has been fighting with my insurance company for well over three years to get them to pay for this unit, and finally with Medicare picking up the remaining costs, they came through!

My lovely light box was delivered and set up for me today. I get to start treatments in the morning. I should know within a few weeks if it will be effective for me. Keep your fingers crossed. Any suggestions for a name for the lovely light?

Infrared Saunas for my arthritis?

Over the past week, I’ve been using a paraffin wax dip for my hands.  I’ve had arthritis in my hands for the past five to eight years, and it just keeps getting worse as the years go by.  In the past couple of years, it gets bad enough in the fall and winter that it keeps me from knitting or writing with a pen.  I wake up in the morning and my knuckles are just aching.  I’ve been starting to feel the beginning twinges of an arthritic ache in my knees as well this year.  Unfortunately, I can’t dip my  knees into my paraffin bath.  It just isn’t deep enough.

Infrared Saunas offer some absolutely awesome health benefits for those of us who are getting up in age and experiencing all the aching that comes along with it.  They’re also awesome for detoxing your system, which would hopefully allow me to stop using my annual fasts to do that.  Some day, I *will* have a house so that i can pop one of these babies in my backyard.

I would love to have a sauna like the ones at Far Infrared Saunas.  I’ve sat in a number of saunas in my life, but I’ve never seen any with the awesome features that they offer on that site!  An LCD DVD monitor,  chromatherapy lighting, ionized air filters.  Heck they even have glass walled units, and with as strong as my closterphobia is lately, that would be perfect for me!